Online Dating in Amsterdam – Same Old Abject Sadness

In this Internet Age, it is no surprise that connoisseurs of free sex, having fruitlessly roamed the streets and canals of Amsterdam on many a rainy night, might find themselves thinking: “Hang on minute, couldn’t I be doing all this from the warmth and safety of my hotel room? Or, perhaps, hanging out with all the cool kids in an Internet cafe? Surely, just like everywhere else in the world, Dutch women are arranging their social lives online?”

And, yes, it turns out this is true – that is why you haven’t been able to find any women yet, they have all been hiding online!

There are literally thousands of dating websites but the vast majority, even the ones that appear to be free, charge money if you actually want to send a message to the Dutch beauty of your choice. Unless you think you will continue using the same dating site back in your home country, it probably isn’t worth pay a subscription fee. Instead, sign up to a genuinely free dating site, such as Plenty of Fish (pof.com) where you will find listings including hundreds of women living in Amsterdam. The quality can be a tad patchy – obviously, the main free dating website is going to attract all manner of scum – but there are some gems to be had. You also have the advantage that, because it is an English-speaking website, the women are unlikely to be put off by the fact that you cannot speak Dutch.

Remember, the golden rule of online dating is that you should have at least two or three relatively recent photos – Dutch culture places a premium on being straightforward, you are likely to receive a robust response if she turns up and you turn out to be significantly balder and paunchier than your photos. Better to be as honest as you possibly can, don’t worry about not looking like a supermodel.

There are also dating “apps”, small applications you can install on your smartphone. These determine your location and, then, show you photos of women nearby. For the purposes of this article, I tested two of the most popular apps of this type: Tindr and Grindr.

BothTindrandGrindrare designed specifically for mobile use, the idea is that you are shown a single photo of a possible date and you swipe your thumb left if you don’t like what you see, swipe right if you do. In this way, you can speed through dozens of potential dates per minute. The magic starts if one of the women who you have swiped right also responds to your photo by swiping right: you are both informed that you have a match and can now send messages to one another.

The problem with these apps is that, having gone through such a speedy selection process, once you start receiving messages you have to switch down to a slower gear and start composing replies. Frankly, you are unlikely, by that stage, to have the patience to write messages that are charming enough to hold their attention – don’t forget, they are probably eager to get back to the fun of mindless swiping too.

Of the two apps, I found the women on Tindr very young – all this mobile nonsense obviously appeals to the younger crowd, but the good news is that you can swipe through so many, you are bound to find at least some with daddy issues.

PRO TIP: when using Tindr, increase your chances of free sex by swiping “Yes” to every photo.Incredibly, Grindr was even worse, I was able to find hardly any women at all.