How to Talk to Dutch Women

(Part Two of the [Where to Find Free Sex in Amsterdam] series of articles)

The Netherlands is famed as one of the world’s most equal so, obviously, this means that the deck is heavily stacked against men. You must remain alert to this fact when chatting up women in Amsterdam because you never know when you might say the wrong thing and bring down, upon your fat tourist head, the wrath of every woman who has ever been oppressed by the male patriarchy.

It is so easy to lower your guard. On the surface, most Dutch women appear smart, sophisticated, nuanced and have a superb level of English. This can lead you to start thinking and acting as if you are talking to a normal woman. Perhaps the very worst thing you could do would be to attempt to make a joke.

During conversation, Dutch women will occasionally add a joke to their conversation or, rather, they will say something that requires you to laugh in earnest appreciation of their great wit – it is a bit like trying to be polite while talking to Germans. On no account must you question the joke or suggest that it makes no sense and is not funny – remember, this is an attractive Dutch woman, it is unlikely that anyone will have, at any point in her life, questioned her logic or the value of what she is saying. Your job is to shut the fuck up and go with the flow.

What you must not do, and I cannot emphasis this point enough, is to lob back another joke in response. Even if you think it is the most simple, most obvious, most simple to understand jokey response of all time, do not do it! She may well laugh in response and give you the impression that you have gotten away with it but don’t be fooled: from that point on, your card is marked and, even as she smiles and appears to be enjoying your company, a slow but unstoppable fury will be building inside, waiting for the chance to pounce and rip out your throat when you least expect it.

As noted elsewhere in this series of articles, top scientists has recently determined that all Dutch women are psychotic and the entire Dutch dating scene is a form of “Care in the Community”. Dutch men know this and that is why prostitution is so accepted in The Netherlands – everyone knows that the men are not paying for sex, they are paying for the right to walk away afterwards without bitter recriminations and lawsuits.

To be fair, Dutch women are the victim of a culture and educational system that has, over the past five decades, burdened them with an increasingly unrealistic set of expectations with regard to the world, their place in it and the role of men in their lives. A recent survey showed that 99.998% of Dutch women are now deeply unhappy, all of the time (100% if you exclude women in comas). Their only moments of vague satisfaction come when riding their bicycles at high speeds while having a distracting conversation on their mobile phones, and they only enjoy that activity because there is a 50% chance that any pedestrians they kill will be male.

So, if you happen to find yourself talking to a Dutch women in a bar or a nightclub, remain alert in much the same way as you would if taming a lion or negotiating for hostages. Keep smiling. Laugh when appropriate and if there is a pause when you are unsure about whether she intended to be funny, laugh anyway. If you have got it wrong and she asks “Why are you laughing?”, smoothly explain that you were just remembering something she said earlier.

If you pass the first level of initial acquaintance, you may get promoted to the more personal second level, during which she will tell you about how all the men in her life, including her father and brothers, are evil. Your best strategy during this level is to try to maintain a facial expression the right blend of shock, sympathy, disbelief and righteous anger. Apply absolute concentration to prevent any flickers of doubt from emerging, even in your eyes, no matter how dumb, illogical and self-contradictory her story becomes: this is a test and she will be watching, hawk-like, for any signs of that you too are, in fact, one of the evil males (to Dutch women, all males are evil accept for the gay ones and, possibly, if you are really lucky, you).

Remember, there is no scale here, there are no grey areas: you are either 100% in accordance with her deranged requirements for how males should be, think and act … or you are just another rapist misogynist bastard. Strangely enough, being a rapist misogynist bastard does not necessarily mean she won’t go to bed with you – after all, girls have their needs to – it just means that she will wait until after you have had sex to vent her fury.

This can be pretty scary if you have never experienced it before – you think you have just had a pleasant, reciprocally satisfying shag but, within seconds of exit, you’ve got this girl screaming at you in Dutch. The correct response is to apologise profusely while trying to find your underpants and get the Hell out of there, dodging flying objects as you flee. Don’t feel bad, this is now simply part of the Dutch mating process.

Of course, on rare occasions, it can go badly wrong. In “equal” countries, a woman can decide, weeks or even months later, that consensual sex was actually rape. In Denmark, this is known as “you-didn’t-call-me” rape, or “I-just-found-out-you-slept-with-someone-else-the-same-week” rape; this is why Julian Assange no longer has a career and lives in a small room in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London.

So, remember, when talking to a Dutch woman and, in particular, when chatting one up, you job is to let her do all the talking, remain attentive, laugh wherever possible, channel your inner-empathetic-gay when she talks about sad shit, express gentle sympathetic fury whenever she mentions any male in her life and, obviously, buy all her drinks and pay for the taxi. It will probably be a lot more trouble and expense than just visiting a hooker but, then again, you certainly will have a war story you will remember for the rest of your life.